Sex Ed for Adults: Sexy Social Distancing Tips
Cassandra Corrado answers questions on sexting, inclusive porn, and other ways to care for your sexual self right now.
The COVID-19 pandemic seems to affect more and more aspects of our lives every day. With our personal and community health at the front of our minds, taking the time to cultivate pleasure might not only be low on our list of priorities, but might even feel a little bit wrong.
You might fall into the group of people who simply can’t be bothered to think about sex right now, and that’s okay. You might fall into the group of people who are using the quarantine period as an excuse to masturbate more than ever, and that’s okay, too.
And if you’re practicing physical distancing, that doesn’t mean that your sex education needs to take a pause.
In fact, during this time of confusion, worry, and ever-changing messages about what’s safe and what we should stress about, learning about your pleasure and sexual health is one way to stay grounded. So, for this month’s Q&A, we’re diving into some of the questions that I’ve received during the COVID-19 pandemic. They cover topics like emotional closeness while in quarantine, how you can find feminist-friendly porn, and how to get started with sexting.
Even in these scary times, you deserve to create moments of pleasure for yourself. So, let’s dive right in.
Q: I’m dating someone who I don’t live with. How can we feel emotionally connected when we’re stuck in separate quarantine zones?
If you are in a relationship with someone who you can’t be near right now, you might be experiencing higher levels of anxiety, stress, and loneliness, even if you haven’t been away from that person for longer than usual yet.
Addressing the COVID-19 pandemic requires us to take some space away from others – literally. That means you may find yourself separated from someone you care about. Physically distancing doesn’t mean that you have to emotionally distance yourself, though.
In fact, being physically apart from people who you care about means that you have an opportunity to strengthen your communication skills and find creative ways to express yourself.
To maintain your emotional connection with your newly long-distance partner/s, try:
- Setting up a recurring “date night” on Skype, FaceTime, or the phone
- Writing each other letters
- Sending a care package
- Sharing a list of your top 5 favorite books/podcasts/movies for the other person to enjoy — then talking about them
- Sexting (we’ll get to that one in a bit)
- Talking honestly about where you’re at emotionally
- Establishing a communication routine
You may have newly found yourself in a long-distance relationship, but remember: This isn’t going to last forever. By dedicating intentional time to the health of your relationship, it just may come out from quarantine stronger than it was before.
Q: Is porn bad? Where can I find porn that shows people who look like me?
Despite the messages you may have encountered in your life, porn is not inherently bad. Like any industry, there are porn companies that have unhealthy and even abusive practices, but there are also companies that ascribe to feminist values, pay their workers fairly, and whose actors are enthusiastic about the work that they do.
One way to litmus test the company that you get your porn from is to ask yourself a simple question: Did you pay for the porn you’re watching? If you didn’t, then that clip probably wasn’t ethically created. Sure, you can find an abundance of free porn on sites like RedTube or PornHub, but if you want more reassurance that the porn workers are being paid and treated appropriately, look toward a subscription service or pay-to-stream option.
There are many indie companies that produce porn outside of the mainstream. If you’ve ever felt like your body, gender, or sexuality wasn’t adequately accepted in the porn you searched for, know that there are many options that are more representative than what you’ll find for free online.
No matter where you find your porn, remember that porn is entertainment — not education. The people who act in porn are professionals, and they have sex for a living. You do not need to be at their level, nor is it realistic to expect yourself to be. So, enjoy it for entertainment’s sake, and when you want to learn new sexual skills, turn to a sex-positive sex educator for advice.
Here are some options for feminist, body-positive, queer- and trans-inclusive porn:
- PinkLabel.tv
- Crash Pad Series (created by PinkLabel.tv director Shine Louise Houston)
- DipSea stories (audio erotica)
- Bellesa (this company doesn’t have a ton of trans representation. In addition to videos, they also have erotica)
- Indie Porn Revolution (formerly No Fauxxx)
- QueerPorn.tv
Q: I’ve never sexted before. How do I do it?
Sexting is one fantastic way to keep your sex life active, even if you’re on a DIY regimen. If you’ve never sexted before, don’t worry – you don’t need to go straight to filthy messages.
Sexting, like sex, involves a slow build. Check-in with your partner to make sure they’re up for a sexting session — consent is essential for every sex act, even sexting — and then you can start by simply telling your partner that you’ve been thinking a lot about them, their body, and what you’d like to do together. From there, detail your fantasy.
You can use dirty texts as a part of your masturbation routine, but you can also use them simply to get yourself all hot and bothered as you go about your day.
One of the benefits of sexting is that you might feel lower levels of inhibition than you do for in-person sex. So, you might find yourself more comfortably expressing your desires and fantasies than you usually are. Some folks might experience the opposite of this, finding themselves filtering out their thoughts before they put them into words.
Images aren’t a necessary part of sexting, but you can include them if you want. If you do opt to send photos or videos, make sure you don’t include your face or any defining tattoos or birthmarks. It isn’t necessarily about lack of trust — devices can be hacked, and not including those characteristics protects your privacy.
To up your security game, you can use an app that offers end-to-end encryption, like Signal or Confide. Confide even offers a screenshot blurring tool, which notifies you if the recipient attempts to take a screenshot and blurs out the image so that it can’t be. Signal allows you to create a setting that vanishes messages after a certain amount of time.
One very important note: If you or your sexting partner is under 18, images and videos are simply a no-go. States have laws that consider images of minors to be child pornography, even those consensually shared between minors, and you could face legal ramifications. Stick to words instead.
If you take your texts to a good, old-fashioned phone call, know that you don’t have to be speaking the entire time. Your breathing, the sounds of toys you may be using, and the sounds that you make can punctuate what you’re experiencing and fill in the moments when you may find yourself at a loss for words.
No matter what, have fun. Sexting doesn’t need to be serious — let yourself play with your fantasies and explore what feels good to you. The only wrong way to do it is non-consensually (we’re looking at you, unsolicited dick pics, even though we really didn’t want to).
During this period of social distancing, commit to learning about what you enjoy sexually. That way, when you’re able to frolic in the world again, you can do so confidently and in pursuit of pleasure.
About the Author
Cassandra Corrado is an independent sex educator who teaches at colleges and universities across the United States. Formerly a victim advocate, she mostly teaches on topics related to un/healthy relationships, violence prevention, LGBTQ+ health, and sexual pleasure.
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